My song today is ‘Since I Don’t Have You’. This song was written and composed by Jackie Taylor, James Beaumont, Janet Vogel, Joseph Rock, Joe Verscharen, Lennie Martin, and Wally Lester. It was a 1958 hit single for the group, the ‘Skyliners’ on the ‘Billboard Hot 100’. It was recorded by Barbra Streisand in 1974. Country music singer, Ronnie Milsap had a hit with the song in 1991. ‘Guns and Roses’ also had some success in 1994 with their top ten hit cover on the ‘UK Singles Chart’. Don McLean’s 1981 rendition reached Number 23 on the ‘Billboard Hot 100’ and is the cover version to come closest to the success of the ‘Skyliners' original in the USA. It was a major Adult Contemporary hit, reaching Number 6 in the U.S. and Number 2 in Canada. As a testament to its longevity, it is frequently played on the radio and the song was featured in the films ‘American Graffiti’: ‘The Age of Adaline’: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai’: ‘Lethal Weapon 2’: ‘Shag’: ‘Mischief’: and television shows such as ‘Happy Days’, ‘American Hot Wax’ and ‘Outcast’.
This song is essentially about the breakup of a relationship and ‘the emptiness’ which is felt by the person who has been walked out on by their loved one. This song reminds me of the self-evident truth that when a person invests all they emotionally possess in another individual and make that person their prime purpose in life, they are inevitably devastated and doomed to experience prolonged heartache and misery, in the event that they are one day bereft of the other person.
I have often told the many people I have worked with over my lifetime that happiness comes from within oneself, and not from another. If happiness within oneself is to remain lasting, its source has to be owned. It may seem to be found within another's presence, but that is the greatest love illusion of all. All we can say is that it is felt within the positive loving relationship we have with oneself and can be enhanced through a loving relationship we share with another.
One may drink happiness from the loving cup, but when such happiness is wholly dependent upon the presence of another in one’s life, the loss or removal of that person from your life will also take away ‘your sense of happiness and wellbeing’. Paradoxically, the ‘well’ in your enduring sense of ‘wellbeing’ involves you ‘being’ able to radiate happiness from yourself. This means being happy for yourself, with yourself, and within yourself. It implies being able to reel happy with or without the presence of another. True, that being in the presence of another may make you feel ‘happier’ than you otherwise would have felt (had they been absent from your presence at that precise time), but that does not mean that the core and the source of your happiness originated from them. While happiness can be increased and enhanced by the presence of another, it cannot be created by them!
I have known too many rudderless people in life who genuinely blamed any negative feelings or emotions they may have experienced upon being in their boat alone, and not having a rowing partner. Such an assessment could not be farther from the truth. No other person in the world can produce enduring happiness in yours, except yourself.
Whenever your happiness seems to depend upon the presence of another solely, it will only remain present in your life as long as the significant other person does also. If you believe your happiness to be dependent upon the presence of another in your life, you will physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally ‘make it so’. Do this and you are physically preparing your body to go into a psychological panic, mental meltdown, physical collapse, and incur emotional disturbance should the other person ever stop being with you. Whether their absence is caused by desertion, divorce, emotional distancing, or even death the effect on your mind and body will remain detrimental.
Indeed, in such circumstances, the expected death of the person after a lengthy illness (however bad an impact their absence from your life has on you) can often prove to be less hurtful than if the other person left you by choice (such as desertion or divorce) instead of circumstances beyond their control (such as death).
If there is only one significant thing you take from my words today, please let it be this: “I acknowledge that I make me happy or sad! Not you, not anyone else, but I!” you cannot control the hurtful events that come your way in life, but you can greatly influence how you choose to interpret them and to what degree you allow them to adversely affect you. It is you who give your life meaning, along with the things you say, feel and do. Life exists for a purpose. You begin by owning your own life and overall behaviour, and continue your life with your defined purpose directing it. You end your life with a level of contentment and satisfaction that is measured by your ruler, nobody else's.
If there was ever a sentence less true or more damaging in the harm it can potentially cause to those who believe it and activate it, it is the central message expressed in today's song that says: “I don’t have anything, if I don’t have you!”
However good or bad a relationship becomes in life, never overestimate the importance of another in the happiness equation, and never underestimate your own importance in deciding to be happy or not.
That is why two people coming together in a romantic alliance; each of whom has found happiness in themselves before having met each other, are destined to make each other, not ‘happy’ but ‘happier’ when they unite in a loving union. Each will bring to their combined relationship an added value that can only come with self-love and self-confidence. Conversely, any unhappy person of low self-estimation, and who does not love themselves enough, can never add one jot of happiness to a new relationship but will take from it.
Imagine two people meeting for the first time on a date, each having had a previous unhappy relationship breakup and only having re-joined the dating scene after many years of loneliness and experiencing much depression. In this instance, the woman is looking forward to a good night out for a change instead of putting up with her own poor company in front of the television. She is wanting to experience an enjoyable night out, have a bit of fun, and hopefully enjoy the experience of light-hearted banter in an atmosphere of conviviality.
Now, imagine that the man she is meeting on the date is still stuck in his angry past. Imagine that he is someone who is still bound up in bottle bitterness, knotted in bitter resentment, and carrying too much emotional baggage around with him for him to publicly unpack without leaving behind scenes of an emotional mess. Imagine that the man uses every opportunity to introduce and offload his emotional baggage in the conversation with his new date.
All through their date, he insists on making his sole conversation about nothing else except the horrible way his ex-wife treated him before deserting him and depriving him of all access to their three children, and ensuring he didn't have enough money to live on after he had paid his extortionate level of monthly child maintenance.
The lady expecting a fun night out might as well forget about having an enjoyable experience with her new dating disaster. This couple is undoubtedly on a collision course from the start of their evening date, and the inevitable consequence of their meeting will most definitely be a social car crash! She would have been far better stopping in watching 'The X Factor' on her own with her fluffy pink giant-rabbit slippers on her Cinderella feet, a box of soft-centred chocolates at her side, a glass of wine, and a dozen rollers in her hair.
For anyone in a similar position, who sadly separated from their former partner, and after a few depressive years of their own company decides to re-join the dating scene, please bear this important message in mind. When a person drums up enough courage to throw their hat in the ring again and re-join the dating scene, please realise that they are hoping that a happy, go-lucky person will turn out to be their companion for the evening and not a 'miserable moaning Minny' who carries a sick bag around with them instead of a sympathetic ear wherever they go.
A man or woman going out on their first date in years are fragile carriers of hope. While some may unrealistically hope to meet the love of their life on a first date, most are simply wanting an enjoyable night out, a laugh if possible, and some light-hearted relief and pleasurable conversation. Please give your date what they want; a pleasurable night to remember and not the type of depressing conversation they've probably had too much of in their past relationship, and which they never want to think of again.
Love and peace Bill xxx