Chapter Four
'Tony and Mary'
After Tony's 'man to man' chat with his Uncle Will almost a year earlier, his uncle had spoken with Tony's mother about the current circumstances and whereabouts of Mary Foggerty. Uncle Will had been told that she had never married; nor had she ever been known to go out with any Portlaw boy before she joined the ranks of the nuns. It looked as though Mary had not given her heart to any boy because she had been saving it to become a bride of Christ.
She had become a novitiate in 'The Order of Franciscan Sisters of the Sacred Heart' around the age of seventeen years. Uncle Will had learned that the Order was based in Illinois. At the time of learning this, his uncle saw little point in telling Tony about this news of his 'old flame' as it would only unsettle him further.
While Tony had frequently written to his parents and had occasionally spoken with them on the phone over the past twelve years, he had never been back to Portlaw to see them and neither had they ever visited him in America. On the occasions when Tony and his parents did speak over the telephone, he was always too embarrassed to ask outright about the whereabouts of Mary Foggerty and instead, the conversation would always remain general gossip regarding Portlaw news.
She had become a novitiate in 'The Order of Franciscan Sisters of the Sacred Heart' around the age of seventeen years. Uncle Will had learned that the Order was based in Illinois. At the time of learning this, his uncle saw little point in telling Tony about this news of his 'old flame' as it would only unsettle him further.
While Tony had frequently written to his parents and had occasionally spoken with them on the phone over the past twelve years, he had never been back to Portlaw to see them and neither had they ever visited him in America. On the occasions when Tony and his parents did speak over the telephone, he was always too embarrassed to ask outright about the whereabouts of Mary Foggerty and instead, the conversation would always remain general gossip regarding Portlaw news.
His mother did feed him back tit bits of information about other Portlaw gossip, such as which young girl had been the newest recruit to bring shame upon their family and the Holy Roman Catholic Church because she had taken off her clothes before she had taken on her vows of marriage! Tony also learned that the bully of a headmaster, Mr Buggins, had now retired from the teaching profession and frequently bragged in the pub about how many boys he had thrashed over the years. Mr Buggins was seemingly still in the 'thrashing game' and he was still making peoples' 'eyes water' after a beating; only now it was vegetable growers he was forever beating! Old Buggins had won the 'Waterford Vegetable Cup' for the past seven years, taking 'The Best in Show' category with his giant-sized onions. If he won it again next year, he would beat the all-Ireland record of being the only person ever to have won eight successive 'Best in Show' ribbons and carried off eight Championship Cups in successive years.
After speaking with Tony's mother, Uncle Will had decided to see if Mary had indeed stayed in the Order and so he contacted the Reverend Mother Superior in Illinois. Having received no reply after about three months, a letter finally arrived informing Will that Mary had been transferred to work on a support programme for pregnant teenagers in the area of California and that he was to contact the Mother Superior there if he required further information. Subsequent investigation by Uncle Will led him to discover that Mary had left the Order almost ten months earlier before taking her final vows. It was here that the trail had seemingly gone cold and had ended. Like an Indian native tracking someone down for many months before returning to the tepee empty handed, Uncle Will didn't pursue the matter any further.
After having decided that the life of a nun wasn't what she was cut out for, Mary had remained working with pregnant teenagers and unmarried mothers on a Community-based programme in San Francisco. She had actually been in San Francisco for the best part of the last year and worked in the immediate vicinity of the Financial District; a place that Tony passed daily on his way to and from work. Mary didn't feel like returning to her parents' home in Portlaw; believing that they would be disappointed in her that she hadn't taken her final vows to become a nun.
One month earlier, Uncle Will had been commissioned to give some Relaxation Training to a group of unmarried pregnant mothers in the Financial District where he had surprisingly come across Mary. Initially, Mary had seemed reluctant to seek Tony out as she was still feeling a bit guilty about not having become a nun. After asking Will to give her time to think about it, he agreed to keep her whereabouts secret for the time being.
He did however, give Mary the precise beach location where Tony could be found every Wednesday afternoon on his time off, just in case she changed her mind. He didn't tell Mary that Tony's overall appearance and physique had greatly altered for the better a number of years earlier. "If you want to see him again, Mary, go to the part of the beach that he goes to on any Wednesday afternoon and look for the chap playing the violin."
One month earlier, Uncle Will had been commissioned to give some Relaxation Training to a group of unmarried pregnant mothers in the Financial District where he had surprisingly come across Mary. Initially, Mary had seemed reluctant to seek Tony out as she was still feeling a bit guilty about not having become a nun. After asking Will to give her time to think about it, he agreed to keep her whereabouts secret for the time being.
He did however, give Mary the precise beach location where Tony could be found every Wednesday afternoon on his time off, just in case she changed her mind. He didn't tell Mary that Tony's overall appearance and physique had greatly altered for the better a number of years earlier. "If you want to see him again, Mary, go to the part of the beach that he goes to on any Wednesday afternoon and look for the chap playing the violin."
Tony and Mary arrived back at Uncle Will's and Aunt Nadine's house around 9pm that day they had met up on the beach. As they entered the house of Will and Nadine's, it was apparent by the look of complete happiness in each of their faces that fate had truly brought them together once more and that Tony could at last stop searching for his elusive soul mate. They were a true love match; a match made in heaven! Having been separated for over twelve years, being back in each other's company once more told the couple that they were indeed destined to remain together until the day they died.
Three months later, Tony and Mary returned to Portlaw. Tony was now ready to face his parents and to introduce the family to his soon-to-be bride. Two weeks earlier, Mary had spoken with her parents on the phone and, while they had initially been disappointed with her not having taken her final vows, they were nevertheless pleased that their daughter was marrying a Portlaw man of whom any in-law would be proud to welcome into their family.
Uncle Will and Aunt Nadine returned with the couple to Portlaw for an extended holiday. They would stay for a month and return immediately after the couple's wedding in 'St Patrick's Catholic Church' on the hill. As Tony and Mary drove back into Portlaw, the beauty of the countryside brought a tear of joy to their eyes as the heavens seemed to open its heart to their return.
Uncle Will and Aunt Nadine returned with the couple to Portlaw for an extended holiday. They would stay for a month and return immediately after the couple's wedding in 'St Patrick's Catholic Church' on the hill. As Tony and Mary drove back into Portlaw, the beauty of the countryside brought a tear of joy to their eyes as the heavens seemed to open its heart to their return.
Their wedding day was one that no Portlaw resident would easily forget. It was momentous in so many ways. First, there were gasps of sheer astonishment as Mary Foggerty walked down the aisle of the church looking as radiant and as beautiful as any bride ever had looked. Then there were further female gasps of admiration from the younger women in the church when the congregation got their first view of tiny Tony Walsh; who'd left Portlaw 'a runt' and had returned from San Francisco a handsome-looking man that would make any married woman between twenty and fifty forget their marriage vows for the slight chance of a night of wild and passionate romance with him. The greatest gasps of all however, were reserved for the exchange of marriage vows and, in particular, when Mary Foggerty vowed before God and the whole of Portlaw "To love, honour and obey" her husband until death they do part.
"Did you hear that? Obey! We don't want the Foggerty girl bringing her American ways back to Portlaw," whispered Maggie Folan to her neighbour Teresa Grimble. "I'll not be obeying any man, if the old pope was to ask me himself! Obey! Be Jesus, did you ever hear the like of it?"
"I don't know," replied Teresa Grimble, who had a husband whose face could have easily been mistaken for an old, cracked gargoyle, as she pointed to the handsome groom. "There's a few things that I'd willingly 'obey' if he ordered me to do them on a wet Wednesday afternoon when my old man was at market!"
After the marriage, the reception was held in 'The Cotton Mill', where there was enough wine, women, men and song to keep any Portlaw citizen occupied for the day ahead. For the first time ever, the entire Walsh family of parents and eighteen children and their respective partners put on a public performance. The joint rocked with the sound of piano, accordion, violins and clarinet, along with the voices of a happy Portlaw clan who had gathered to pay their respect to Tony and Mary, the latest Mr and Mrs Walsh.
Uncle Will had been asked to act as Tony's Best Man and when it came for him to perform a turn, he proved to have a voice that would have done ample justice as a stand in for the singer Tony Bennett when he sang, 'I left my heart in San Francisco':
"Did you hear that? Obey! We don't want the Foggerty girl bringing her American ways back to Portlaw," whispered Maggie Folan to her neighbour Teresa Grimble. "I'll not be obeying any man, if the old pope was to ask me himself! Obey! Be Jesus, did you ever hear the like of it?"
"I don't know," replied Teresa Grimble, who had a husband whose face could have easily been mistaken for an old, cracked gargoyle, as she pointed to the handsome groom. "There's a few things that I'd willingly 'obey' if he ordered me to do them on a wet Wednesday afternoon when my old man was at market!"
After the marriage, the reception was held in 'The Cotton Mill', where there was enough wine, women, men and song to keep any Portlaw citizen occupied for the day ahead. For the first time ever, the entire Walsh family of parents and eighteen children and their respective partners put on a public performance. The joint rocked with the sound of piano, accordion, violins and clarinet, along with the voices of a happy Portlaw clan who had gathered to pay their respect to Tony and Mary, the latest Mr and Mrs Walsh.
Uncle Will had been asked to act as Tony's Best Man and when it came for him to perform a turn, he proved to have a voice that would have done ample justice as a stand in for the singer Tony Bennett when he sang, 'I left my heart in San Francisco':
After the wedding, Uncle Will and Aunt Nadine returned to their home in San Francisco. They naturally missed the continued presence of nephew Tony in their lives, but were so happy that he and Mary had managed to tie the knot of happiness. Tony and Mary bought a house on the Waterford Road in Kilmeaden and settled back into Irish life.
They remained happily married and within the following seven years, they had parented five children, all girls. All the girls were beautiful and only one of them had a face full of freckles and the red hair of her mother.
They remained happily married and within the following seven years, they had parented five children, all girls. All the girls were beautiful and only one of them had a face full of freckles and the red hair of her mother.
In the July of year following the wedding of Tony and Mary, 'The Waterford Vegetable Cup' was being staged again and the competition had attracted the interest of the whole of Southern Ireland to see who would win the Waterford crystal trophy this year. Everyone fancied the present cup holder, Mr Buggins from Portlaw, to win the cup for the eighth successive year and establish an all-Ireland record. The odds on Buggins winning had shortened from 2-1 a week before the competition to 4-11, two days prior to it. Indeed, Tony's old head teacher was so confident of lifting the cup again that he'd been bragging in the pub nightly that even if he was beaten by another lucky grower one day in the distant future, he would never be beaten by anyone from Portlaw.
In Portlaw," he boasted, "I'm the one who's always done the beating! Always have and always will!"
In Portlaw," he boasted, "I'm the one who's always done the beating! Always have and always will!"
In fact, it was due to the continued use of his swish that he used to thrash his male pupils with, which resulted in the discovery of how to grow giant-sized onions. He had always held the twisted view that if he thrashed the youngest children in his school harder and more often when they were little in size, their bodies would eventually grow bigger. After Buggins had retired as headmaster in the Portlaw school, he took his favourite swish with him, just in case his wife ever spent too much of their money on housekeeping and needed to be reminded who was the boss of their household.
After his retirement as a headmaster, Buggins started visiting his allotment patch more and more. He was keen to win in a forthcoming Vegetable Show in Waterford and so he determined to become the best onion grower that Portlaw had ever seen. Onions had always been a favourite of his as they were the only vegetables he knew that were capable of bringing tears to the eyes of another. Initially, Buggins failed to even win a ribbon or get himself mentioned, until one day, he accidently discovered how best to grow giant-sized onions.
After his retirement as a headmaster, Buggins started visiting his allotment patch more and more. He was keen to win in a forthcoming Vegetable Show in Waterford and so he determined to become the best onion grower that Portlaw had ever seen. Onions had always been a favourite of his as they were the only vegetables he knew that were capable of bringing tears to the eyes of another. Initially, Buggins failed to even win a ribbon or get himself mentioned, until one day, he accidently discovered how best to grow giant-sized onions.
For the past nine years, Buggins had tethered a donkey that belonged to his wife in his allotment space. It wasn't long before the swish of Buggins (which always accompanied him everywhere), and the backside of his wife's donkey came into contact with each other on a regular basis.
One year (eight years earlier to be precise), when Buggins had got nowhere in his efforts to grow a good onion specimen for the show, he took out his anger on the poor donkey. He thrashed the donkey within an inch of its life with his swish. Day after day, the cruel sadist beat the donkey mercilessly. The creature became so frightened of Buggin's presence that whenever it saw Buggins coming to enter the allotments, it would involuntary urinate over the onions that Buggins grew for showing. That year, Buggins produced the biggest specimen of onion that Waterford had ever seen and he won 'The Waterford Cup' for the first time.
It didn't take Buggins long to make the connection between the difference of him winning or losing the competition. It didn't take him long to figure out the secret ingredient which had been added; the one that made such a difference to the size of his onions. After he had twigged, the poor donkey was beaten twice as hard, twice as often, and naturally wet itself twice as much. In consequence, the very next year, Buggins won the show again with his onion entry, only this time, his onion was even larger than it had been the previous year!
One year (eight years earlier to be precise), when Buggins had got nowhere in his efforts to grow a good onion specimen for the show, he took out his anger on the poor donkey. He thrashed the donkey within an inch of its life with his swish. Day after day, the cruel sadist beat the donkey mercilessly. The creature became so frightened of Buggin's presence that whenever it saw Buggins coming to enter the allotments, it would involuntary urinate over the onions that Buggins grew for showing. That year, Buggins produced the biggest specimen of onion that Waterford had ever seen and he won 'The Waterford Cup' for the first time.
It didn't take Buggins long to make the connection between the difference of him winning or losing the competition. It didn't take him long to figure out the secret ingredient which had been added; the one that made such a difference to the size of his onions. After he had twigged, the poor donkey was beaten twice as hard, twice as often, and naturally wet itself twice as much. In consequence, the very next year, Buggins won the show again with his onion entry, only this time, his onion was even larger than it had been the previous year!
As Buggins continued to boast in the pub, Tony started to recall all the thrashings with the cane that Buggins had given him as a growing child. Although he was not a person to hold grudges against any man, he dearly wanted to take Buggins down a peg or two. Buggins had called into the 'Cotton Mill' that night and was as usual, boasting about his impending victory to all the customers holding up the bar.
"I'm the best man in Portlaw," Buggins bragged as he downed a full pint of Guiness in one gulp before ordering another. "The best man in Portlaw! Always have been and always will be! I'll give odds of 10-1 against any man from Portlaw beating me in the 'Waterford Vegetable Cup' this year. 10-1! Come on, where's your spirit? I can't have beaten it out of every last man and jackal of you, surely. I will give you 10-1."
"What limit are you placing on any wager you accept?" Tony asked.
"No limit. I'll accept any wager that you fools dare to bet!" Buggins replied. "No limit!"
"I'm the best man in Portlaw," Buggins bragged as he downed a full pint of Guiness in one gulp before ordering another. "The best man in Portlaw! Always have been and always will be! I'll give odds of 10-1 against any man from Portlaw beating me in the 'Waterford Vegetable Cup' this year. 10-1! Come on, where's your spirit? I can't have beaten it out of every last man and jackal of you, surely. I will give you 10-1."
"What limit are you placing on any wager you accept?" Tony asked.
"No limit. I'll accept any wager that you fools dare to bet!" Buggins replied. "No limit!"
"I'll wager £5,000 then," Tony said calmly as he placed a wad of notes down on the bar counter totalling £5,000.
For a moment, the pub fell into a hushed silence as the present company waited to see if Buggins would take the wager.
"Is it a bet then?" Tony asked, as he looked Buggins square in the eye. "Do you accept the bet?" he repeated.
Buggins looking gobsmacked to have been called out on his boast and to have been publicly challenged in front of his drinking associates. Buggins accepted the wager. He was still confident that he'd win this upstart who had spent a good dozen years in America and who he believed had returned, still not being able to recognise his bigger and betters.
For a moment, the pub fell into a hushed silence as the present company waited to see if Buggins would take the wager.
"Is it a bet then?" Tony asked, as he looked Buggins square in the eye. "Do you accept the bet?" he repeated.
Buggins looking gobsmacked to have been called out on his boast and to have been publicly challenged in front of his drinking associates. Buggins accepted the wager. He was still confident that he'd win this upstart who had spent a good dozen years in America and who he believed had returned, still not being able to recognise his bigger and betters.
While Tony knew that Buggins would undoubtedly put another fine specimen of onion into this July's show, he also felt confident that he would produce another vegetable that would win 'The Best in Show' outright. Tony had his Uncle Will to thank for this opportunity to 'put one over' on the bullying ex-headmaster. His Uncle Will's wedding gift would be used to draw Buggins to the nectar and then sting him for £50,000.
When Tony and Mary had married, before he returned to San Francisco, Uncle Will presented Tony with their unusual wedding present. "What is it?" Tony asked as he unwrapped the boxed gift.
"It's what is known as 'a seed piece' to vegetable growers," Uncle Will replied. "To be precise, it is a potato seed piece!"
"But..............I don't understand, Uncle Will........... how...........what......where.....?"
"Sit yourself down, my Boyo, and I'll explain," Uncle Will said.
Over the next half hour, Uncle Will explained the nature of the unusual wedding gift he'd given to his nephew and bride after posing him two questions:
"Two questions, my Boyo. First, who is the person you most dislike in Portlaw and, second, in the entire history of Ireland, what would you say was the greatest agricultural challenge ever to befall its people?"
After a brief while in thought, Tony replied, "The only person that I have ever disliked was Mr Buggins. I still remember the beatings he gave me at school and the pleasure he derived from his cruelty. Secondly, I would say that the greatest agricultural challenge ever to befall the people of Ireland was the potato famine of 1845-1850, when the potato crop was blighted and it wiped out the staple food diet of millions of poor Irish. I remember seeing a statue depicting the famine in Dublin once and being told that over a million people starved as a consequence of the potato famine!"
When Tony and Mary had married, before he returned to San Francisco, Uncle Will presented Tony with their unusual wedding present. "What is it?" Tony asked as he unwrapped the boxed gift.
"It's what is known as 'a seed piece' to vegetable growers," Uncle Will replied. "To be precise, it is a potato seed piece!"
"But..............I don't understand, Uncle Will........... how...........what......where.....?"
"Sit yourself down, my Boyo, and I'll explain," Uncle Will said.
Over the next half hour, Uncle Will explained the nature of the unusual wedding gift he'd given to his nephew and bride after posing him two questions:
"Two questions, my Boyo. First, who is the person you most dislike in Portlaw and, second, in the entire history of Ireland, what would you say was the greatest agricultural challenge ever to befall its people?"
After a brief while in thought, Tony replied, "The only person that I have ever disliked was Mr Buggins. I still remember the beatings he gave me at school and the pleasure he derived from his cruelty. Secondly, I would say that the greatest agricultural challenge ever to befall the people of Ireland was the potato famine of 1845-1850, when the potato crop was blighted and it wiped out the staple food diet of millions of poor Irish. I remember seeing a statue depicting the famine in Dublin once and being told that over a million people starved as a consequence of the potato famine!"
Tony's Uncle Will then explained the nature of his peculiar wedding present to his nephew.
"A number of years ago, Tony, I had occasion to intervene in the life of an American scientist who was experiencing a severe period of depression. While my contact with him and his family undoubtedly helped, it didn't prevent the poor man from committing suicide while his mind was unbalanced. In recognition of the years of support I had given him and his family, in his will he left me the patent rights of one of his projects that he'd been working on for almost twenty years, along with his patented product, the 'seed piece' that had been preserved in deep freeze conditions. Until now, my mind has wrestled with how best to make use of this unexpected legacy."
"It is a potato seed piece, which seemingly has unusual properties that will enable it to grow exceedingly large. Many years ago, in 1946 to be precise, my scientific friend discovered that DNA could transfer between organisms. What this essentially means is that all plant life could be genetically modified and have its DNA structure mutated and altered. This means that exceptionally large plants could be grown by anyone possessing its secrets. The scientist was so uncertain about the merits of unleashing this knowledge on the world, especially after observing how the secret of 'splitting the atom' had resulted in the production of the 'A-Bomb'. While the dropping of the 'A-Bomb' had undoubtedly shortened the Second World War, that discovery had unfortunately led to the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent Japanese lives. My scientific friend feared that if his secret fell into the hands of any single country, it would provide the manufacturers of that country with the means to control the food-chain market-supply throughout the entire world!"
"A number of years ago, Tony, I had occasion to intervene in the life of an American scientist who was experiencing a severe period of depression. While my contact with him and his family undoubtedly helped, it didn't prevent the poor man from committing suicide while his mind was unbalanced. In recognition of the years of support I had given him and his family, in his will he left me the patent rights of one of his projects that he'd been working on for almost twenty years, along with his patented product, the 'seed piece' that had been preserved in deep freeze conditions. Until now, my mind has wrestled with how best to make use of this unexpected legacy."
"It is a potato seed piece, which seemingly has unusual properties that will enable it to grow exceedingly large. Many years ago, in 1946 to be precise, my scientific friend discovered that DNA could transfer between organisms. What this essentially means is that all plant life could be genetically modified and have its DNA structure mutated and altered. This means that exceptionally large plants could be grown by anyone possessing its secrets. The scientist was so uncertain about the merits of unleashing this knowledge on the world, especially after observing how the secret of 'splitting the atom' had resulted in the production of the 'A-Bomb'. While the dropping of the 'A-Bomb' had undoubtedly shortened the Second World War, that discovery had unfortunately led to the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the loss of hundreds of thousands of innocent Japanese lives. My scientific friend feared that if his secret fell into the hands of any single country, it would provide the manufacturers of that country with the means to control the food-chain market-supply throughout the entire world!"
"Believing his discovery to be a potential source for both good and evil, my scientific friend patented his discovery with the sole purpose of 'keeping the product off the market' until much more is known about this Frankenstein freak of nature and until a time when it can be used safely under greater control for the sole benefit of mankind. He knew that I would not be influenced by making myself wealthy through the product's exploitation and felt that both patent and the sample seed piece would be safer in my hands."
Uncle Will told Tony to take the only genetically modified sample of potato seed piece in the world and to secretly grow it in time for next year's 'Waterford Vegetable Show'.
"I give you the means of getting a suitable revenge on Buggins, along with the opportunity of beating him in public and taking him down a peg or two. I also provide you with the means of ensuring that Ireland is never again subject to the indignities imposed upon it by a 'potato famine', should the need ever arise," Uncle Will said.
Uncle Will told Tony to take the only genetically modified sample of potato seed piece in the world and to secretly grow it in time for next year's 'Waterford Vegetable Show'.
"I give you the means of getting a suitable revenge on Buggins, along with the opportunity of beating him in public and taking him down a peg or two. I also provide you with the means of ensuring that Ireland is never again subject to the indignities imposed upon it by a 'potato famine', should the need ever arise," Uncle Will said.
For seven months prior to 'The Waterford Show', Buggins swished the hide of his wife's donkey mercilessly so that it would saturate his prize onions with its elixir. And for seven months prior to the 'Waterford Vegetable Show', Tony blacked out his father's greenhouse where the potato seed piece was planted. Only Tony, his wife, Mary and both of his parents knew about the potato that Tony was growing. By the time that Tony had placed his £5,000 wager, his prize potato was ready for showing. Inwardly, both he and Buggins were exceedingly happy. Only the poor donkey was sad!
On the day of 'The Waterford Show', the whole of Portlaw was in attendance as Tony showed them his potato entry. In fact, the potato he'd grown was so large that it required a digger and a tractor to lift and unload it. Being too heavy for any table to bear its enormous weight, the digger lifted it off the tractor and placed it on the floor of the show marquee, ready for the judges' inspection.
On the day of 'The Waterford Show', the whole of Portlaw was in attendance as Tony showed them his potato entry. In fact, the potato he'd grown was so large that it required a digger and a tractor to lift and unload it. Being too heavy for any table to bear its enormous weight, the digger lifted it off the tractor and placed it on the floor of the show marquee, ready for the judges' inspection.
As soon as Buggins saw the size of Tony's potato, he knew that he would not be winning this year's show. The judge pricked the spud with a pitchfork to confirm that it was in fact a genuine potato, and as he proclaimed Tony as 'The Best in Show', a loud Portlaw cheer was heard throughout the marquee. Poor Buggins knew that his one and only opportunity to win the all-Ireland record had been and gone and would never come again. As Tony lifted the Champion's Cup, Buggins went off back to his allotment where he intended to take out his anger on the poor donkey.
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