Chapter Ten:
'Beth Buries Her Ghosts'
After arriving at 'Beaconhouse', Megan stayed with Beth until she was settled in and before leaving her there, she indicated that she would stay in touch with her. "Just give the process a chance to work, Beth," Megan implored her adding, "And I'll find out what I can about Clare. You keep your side of the bargain and I'll keep mine."
'Beaconhouse' had a dozen alcoholic residents at any given time of both male and female status and was run by Dermot Malone, a man who looked to be in his late forties. There was an age requirement of all residents to have reached the age of 21 years. Being classified as a 'Dry House' meant just that. The golden rule that guaranteed eviction was to be found with alcohol on you in the premises.
While the staff at 'Beaconhouse' would not tolerate alcohol on the premises under any cicumstances, there were occasions when a resident might fall off the wagon of abstinence and be found drinking in one of the local pubs and clubs. When this happened, they would be allowed one lapse, but would then be strictly warned that should it happen again, they'd be out on their ear!
'Beaconhouse' had a good success rate and was always oversubscribed to the extent that applications would arrive from all across the British Isles in their hundreds annually. The programme of residence was a rolling one, but usually lasted around the six to seven months period, although it had been known to occasionally stretch to a full year. Consequently, from the hundreds of applications for residency the hostel received annually, a mere few dozen alcoholics would be the lucky ones accepted.
Megan had been extremely lucky getting Beth admitted to the hostel upon her discharge from hospital. To do so, it had been necessary to pull a few strings at her disposal and call in a few favours. You see, it had been Megan's mother who had once been the original warden who'd managed 'Beaconhouse' when it had first opened and although she'd now been retired over four years from the post, it had been largely upon her personal recommendation that the newly-appointed Hostel Warden and Manager was to be Dermot Malone.
Dermot's appointment had been a somewhat controversial one, having turned from poacher to gamekeeper so to speak. At the time of applying for the hostel position, Dermot Malone was a known and reformed alcoholic who'd abstained from drink for over six years. In fact ten years earlier, he'd also been a resident and client of the hostel. At that time, the name of the hostel was 'Blunt House', but one year after becoming the Warden there, Dermot managed to persuade the governing committee to agree to a name change. The hostel then became known as 'Beaconhouse'.
Dermot's appointment had been a somewhat controversial one, having turned from poacher to gamekeeper so to speak. At the time of applying for the hostel position, Dermot Malone was a known and reformed alcoholic who'd abstained from drink for over six years. In fact ten years earlier, he'd also been a resident and client of the hostel. At that time, the name of the hostel was 'Blunt House', but one year after becoming the Warden there, Dermot managed to persuade the governing committee to agree to a name change. The hostel then became known as 'Beaconhouse'.
Dermot essentially felt that 'Blunt House' sounded too severe a name and that it might provide better focus and impetus for the residents to 'find the light' and reform their ways if their time there became like a refuge in a storm; a place that would direct their future passage away from the evils of alcoholic overindulgence and addiction. Dermot then happened to come across the emblematic crest of a school which gave him his name. Therefore it was felt that 'Beaconhouse' would be much a more appropriate and inspiring name for their temporary home.
Other rules of the establishment involved being on a rota for kitchen and washing-up duties, always making sure that you signed on weekly if unemployed or if you were fortunate to hold down a job, that you attended work in accordance with your terms of employment. While heated discussions between the residents would be tolerated within limits, no form of bullying, racism, sexism or physical violence ever would! The most important hostel rule was to attend the group discussion meeting on each of the three weekly evenings it was held for its two hours' duration, and to also attend a supervisory session with the Warden or their Deputy once a week by arrangement.
Other rules of the establishment involved being on a rota for kitchen and washing-up duties, always making sure that you signed on weekly if unemployed or if you were fortunate to hold down a job, that you attended work in accordance with your terms of employment. While heated discussions between the residents would be tolerated within limits, no form of bullying, racism, sexism or physical violence ever would! The most important hostel rule was to attend the group discussion meeting on each of the three weekly evenings it was held for its two hours' duration, and to also attend a supervisory session with the Warden or their Deputy once a week by arrangement.
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Each resident had their own room and were responsible for cleaning it and changing their own bed linen once weekly or in some instances, as often as was required if they still wet the bed as many alcoholics are prone to do. Beth welcomed this private space to which she could retire and be uninterrupted any time of the day and night and even though it was small in space, it was quiet comfortable, clean and had its own key to lock the door.
Initially, Beth found the open discussion meetings too threatening to talk about things that were personal to her alone. It was one thing talking to Megan whom she now trusted completely, but was quite another kettle of fish to tell all manner of strangers about the intimate details of one's past, just because they sat in a magic circle, shared the same addictive behaviour and slept beneath the same roof.
Initially, Beth found the open discussion meetings too threatening to talk about things that were personal to her alone. It was one thing talking to Megan whom she now trusted completely, but was quite another kettle of fish to tell all manner of strangers about the intimate details of one's past, just because they sat in a magic circle, shared the same addictive behaviour and slept beneath the same roof.
While all residents were encouraged to contribute to the open group discussions, knowing how hard it was for newcomers to feel confident enough to share, Dermot would tend to ignore them during the first two or three weeks if they showed a preference to listening only. If however, after one month they were still not contributing to the group discussion, they would be confronted in their weekly supervisory session with Dermot to either 'part with their contribution or depart from hostel residency, forthwith!' Such a threat would usually prove sufficient to elicit their future cooperation, however reluctantly it might initially be given.
While Beth stayed quiet in the discussion group for the first four weeks of her stay in the hostel, like many quiet group members before and since, she was still able to learn vicariously; a somewhat substitute way of learning about self through hearing the experiences of another person who underwent similar experiences to you.
Most of the four female residents of 'Beaconhouse', although they came from greatly different backgrounds, all seemed to have suffered from physical or sexual abuse in the past, and sometimes both! Christine had been sexually assaulted by her father as a child and had grown into an attractive teenager only to be groped freely by a visiting uncle whenever he visited her home. Maureen had been physically ill treated by her father as a child, had gone on to marry a wife batterer whom she stayed with out of fear for fourteen years before she finally ran away and became dependent on drink and drugs. When she got admitted to 'Beaconhouse' it was from a derelict squat with no windows to keep out the cold. The worst treatment of the bunch was experienced by Sally, who became a prostitute to feed her drink and drug habit and at the time of hostel entry had just been rescued as a sex slave.
Whether man or woman resident, all had either broken or had lost contact with their parents for most years of their alcoholic dependency. Common to all was their experience of destitution and homelessness for varying periods of time, and as regards to being able to hold down a job, such had generally proved an impossibility and was an experience as rare as hen's teeth!
As Beth listened to their bits of conversation contributed to group discussion weekly about their lives and problem behaviour, along with their many and varied excuses for having become a drunk, she frequently compared her own experiences with theirs. Not one of them had lived rough like her for as long as she had; almost fifteen years, though two or three of the male residents had held down responsible jobs in the past before the demon drink had ruined their lives and their relationships.
There was Jack who had one time been a teacher while Christine who was in her thirties and nicknamed 'Bailey' because she coudn't get enough of the drink had worked with a firm of London accountants in the past.
Finally there was Mack who told the group that he had at one stage in his life been a millionaire before drink and gambling and playing the stock market for high stakes had brought him ruination, bankruptcy, and homelessness. Most of the hostel residents didn't know whether to believe Mack and the jury remained out as to whether or not he was to be believed as being wholly above board. Before Mack agreed to enter the hostel however, it was only on the proviso that Dermot found a temporary home for the two Labrador pups he had found on the streets and had homed.
Finally there was Mack who told the group that he had at one stage in his life been a millionaire before drink and gambling and playing the stock market for high stakes had brought him ruination, bankruptcy, and homelessness. Most of the hostel residents didn't know whether to believe Mack and the jury remained out as to whether or not he was to be believed as being wholly above board. Before Mack agreed to enter the hostel however, it was only on the proviso that Dermot found a temporary home for the two Labrador pups he had found on the streets and had homed.
As the months progressed at the hostel, Beth found herself making unconscious use of the skills she had so often employed in her role as shop steward at Harrison Gardner's; particularly whenever she wanted to persuade the discussion group towards her viewpoint on some matter or whenever she tried to calm down an overheated discussion that was in danger of becoming a row.
Often she seemed to take over Dermot's role as group leader and instead of preventing her, he would sit back and watch Beth in action as he admired her social skills tactics. She would even encourage the person next to the one upset to be the first group comforter.
Often she seemed to take over Dermot's role as group leader and instead of preventing her, he would sit back and watch Beth in action as he admired her social skills tactics. She would even encourage the person next to the one upset to be the first group comforter.
If the truth be known, Dermot was becoming quite interested in Beth, not only a resident who had undoubtedly come a long way in so short a time, but also as a woman of attractive appearance. During her time at the hostel she'd started to take more pride in her appearance once again and had started to dress in more fashionable and feminine clothes like a blouse and skirt. Beth also reminded Dermot of himself during earlier years when he'd been a resident at the hostel instead of the leader of its staff.
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After making exhaustive enquiries to track down Beth's daughter as she had promised to do, Megan eventually reported back to Beth. Even before Megan told Beth the outcome, Beth realised that the awaited news wasn't what she wanted to hear.
"Sit down, Beth," Megan said one morning as she visited the hostel to inform her of the results of her search. "I'm afraid that the news isn't as positive as I'd hoped for."
"So you haven't been able to trace her then?" Beth replied in a disappointed tone of voice, adding, "I wasn't sure you could after all this time. It's been so many years now."
"It's not that we weren't able to trace your family tree that led towards your daughter, Clare," Megan said, "As the Social Services Department were able to track her down. However, I'm afraid that when they eventually communicated with her and placed your request before her, she declined to see you. They were not in a position to tell me any more than that, except to say that your daughter is safe and well and was happily looked after during the years of her adoption. Clare has been provided with my name and address should she ever decide in the future that she would like to see you again. She knows where to reach me with a view of acting as messenger and intermediary."
"Sit down, Beth," Megan said one morning as she visited the hostel to inform her of the results of her search. "I'm afraid that the news isn't as positive as I'd hoped for."
"So you haven't been able to trace her then?" Beth replied in a disappointed tone of voice, adding, "I wasn't sure you could after all this time. It's been so many years now."
"It's not that we weren't able to trace your family tree that led towards your daughter, Clare," Megan said, "As the Social Services Department were able to track her down. However, I'm afraid that when they eventually communicated with her and placed your request before her, she declined to see you. They were not in a position to tell me any more than that, except to say that your daughter is safe and well and was happily looked after during the years of her adoption. Clare has been provided with my name and address should she ever decide in the future that she would like to see you again. She knows where to reach me with a view of acting as messenger and intermediary."
"I know it's not the news that you hoped for Beth, but so long as I always know your current whereabouts.... then who knows what time and place will turn up?" Megan said reassuringly.
After a few minutes, Beth, who seemed to take the news as well as Megan could have possibly expected said, "That's not bad news! If we know her to be alive and well, then that's positive news to be grateful for. Thank you so much for all your efforts, Megan. You are a good friend........despite your profession!"
Megan was surprised how maturely Beth had apparently taken the mixed news. She judged Beth to have certainly come a long way in her progress of being able to see things from a more positive slant than when they'd first met. Just to be on the safe side though, Megan shared the news of this disappointment with the hostel warden and asked Dermot to keep a more vigilant eye open over the next few days, especially tonight.
After a few minutes, Beth, who seemed to take the news as well as Megan could have possibly expected said, "That's not bad news! If we know her to be alive and well, then that's positive news to be grateful for. Thank you so much for all your efforts, Megan. You are a good friend........despite your profession!"
Megan was surprised how maturely Beth had apparently taken the mixed news. She judged Beth to have certainly come a long way in her progress of being able to see things from a more positive slant than when they'd first met. Just to be on the safe side though, Megan shared the news of this disappointment with the hostel warden and asked Dermot to keep a more vigilant eye open over the next few days, especially tonight.
Too often in their jobs, Megan and Dermot had come across residential clients who seemed to be doing so well and then after receiving some bad news or a knock back, they'd finished up breaking their pledge and hitting the bottle once more. Megan knew that it wasn't only a matter of character and personal insight gained that would conquer the demon drink, however essential those two aspects were along the road of long-term progress, but how the alcoholic reacted to bad news during their early recovery period when the temptation to relapse was greatest. Both she and Dermot knew the sheer pulling power of the alcoholic's long-term addiction when emotions had been knocked for a six.
Beth had been addicted to alcohol for well over twenty years now and although she'd been abstinent for the past ten months, living under the constraints of hospital confinement and hostel rules had denied it reasserting its grip on her life. Even Dermot had broken his abstinence after having remained dry for nearly two years once, and his experiences had not been half as bad as those Beth had endured since her teenage years.
Beth had been addicted to alcohol for well over twenty years now and although she'd been abstinent for the past ten months, living under the constraints of hospital confinement and hostel rules had denied it reasserting its grip on her life. Even Dermot had broken his abstinence after having remained dry for nearly two years once, and his experiences had not been half as bad as those Beth had endured since her teenage years.
That evening after Beth failed to come down for her evening meal with the other residents, Dermot went to knock on her door and check she was okay. After receiving no reply and a few minutes of knocking, Dermot decided to play safe and opened the bedroom door with his pass key. He found the room empty. Then he decided on a hunch to visit the nearest pub, 'The White Lion' to see if Beth was there.
Five minutes later, he entered the pub and was relieved to see that Beth wasn't there propping up the bar. Next he called to the nearest off licence shop and after providing a description of Beth, he discovered that she hadn't been there either. He decided to walk back to the hostel and as he passed the local park, he saw the figure of a woman sitting alone on a bench with her head hung low, clutching hold of something tightly. It looked like Beth was tormenting herself as to whether she should have a taste or not of whatever she was clasping, so Dermot cautiously approached.
"Is that you, Beth?" he gently asked as he approached the park bench.
Beth looked up and Dermot was greatly relieved to see that it was a handkerchief she was holding in her hand and not a bottle of spirits. Tears streamed down Beth's face and when she saw Dermot stood there looking concerned yet glad to have found her, she just broke down uncontrollably and fell upon his shoulder for emotional support.
"Shush lass," Dermot softly said. "Megan told me what had happened regarding her enquiries about your daughter. I'm so sorry lass.... so sorry for you!"
Beth looked up and Dermot was greatly relieved to see that it was a handkerchief she was holding in her hand and not a bottle of spirits. Tears streamed down Beth's face and when she saw Dermot stood there looking concerned yet glad to have found her, she just broke down uncontrollably and fell upon his shoulder for emotional support.
"Shush lass," Dermot softly said. "Megan told me what had happened regarding her enquiries about your daughter. I'm so sorry lass.... so sorry for you!"
For a few moments, Dermot softly comforted Beth in silence. When she next looked up, for a brief moment it seemed most natural for him to kiss her, especially as she appeared to want kissing, but Dermot quickly remembered his position as Hostel Warden. Focusing back upon the vulnerability of Beth once more, he moved his body out of temptation's way. As a hostel resident and being under his professional supervision, to have followed his heart and have kissed Beth there and then would have overstepped the bounds of all professional ethics and common sense and might have jeopardised all her progress.
"Come on lass, let's be getting you back to the hostel and I'll see if I can rustle you up a sandwich to eat as you must be starving," Dermot said.
"Thanks Dermot," replied Beth. "That was kind of you to look out for me when you saw me in the park. You're a good man, Dermot Malone.....a good man!"
Fifteen minutes later, Beth was back at the hostel eating a sandwich and feeling much better for her earlier walk to the park and lengthy weep.
"Come on lass, let's be getting you back to the hostel and I'll see if I can rustle you up a sandwich to eat as you must be starving," Dermot said.
"Thanks Dermot," replied Beth. "That was kind of you to look out for me when you saw me in the park. You're a good man, Dermot Malone.....a good man!"
Fifteen minutes later, Beth was back at the hostel eating a sandwich and feeling much better for her earlier walk to the park and lengthy weep.
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When Beth had been at 'Beaconhouse' for eight months she was judged to be ready to be discharged. In addition to her hostel commitments and her weekly contacts with her Social Worker, Megan, who had become more of a close friend than a social worker to Beth, she had also been attending the local branch of Alcoholics Anonymous a few times weekly.
While neither she nor Dermot had allowed themselves to be placed in another situation again that might prove compromising to their respective positions, such efforts had nevertheless failed to create that emotional distancing that ought to exist between the relationship of worker and client.
When the week of Beth's discharge arrived, the other residents held a going away party for her in the hostel the night before her departure. While there was naturally no alcohol on the party menu, the residents pulled out all the stops when it came to the buffet and buns that they'd bought in. Dermot made sure that even though he wasn't on duty that evening, (being due to work the midnight to morning shift), he attended Beth's leaving do.
While neither she nor Dermot had allowed themselves to be placed in another situation again that might prove compromising to their respective positions, such efforts had nevertheless failed to create that emotional distancing that ought to exist between the relationship of worker and client.
When the week of Beth's discharge arrived, the other residents held a going away party for her in the hostel the night before her departure. While there was naturally no alcohol on the party menu, the residents pulled out all the stops when it came to the buffet and buns that they'd bought in. Dermot made sure that even though he wasn't on duty that evening, (being due to work the midnight to morning shift), he attended Beth's leaving do.
Dermot had done a considerable amount of thinking that past fortnight and had arrived at a decision that affected his future along with the future of Beth. However hard he tried not to become attached, he sensed himself having fallen in love with Beth. In fact, looking back, he had loved her for over four months now, but had tried to deny the truth. Since that night in the park however, his thoughts had been preoccupied with Beth from the start to the end of every day and the strength of his feelings had increased beyond the stage of denial. He'd imagined many times how things might have turned out for them had they met and fallen in love as young people without an alcoholic problem. All he knew was that he wanted to be with her, he wanted to help her, he wanted to guide her through the difficult year ahead; he wanted her!
On the other side of the coin, Beth also had been aware of the feelings that had grown between them and though such feelings had remained unspoken, they nevertheless could be concealed as being present whenever they approached each other. Even in the group discussions, as Beth opened up and started to tell the group about some of her selected experiences and feelings, often Dermot found it hard not to go and place his arms around Beth and comfort her as he dearly wanted to.
That night around 11.30 pm after Beth's party celebrations had ended for the day and the residents had retired to their rooms, being on duty throughout the night, Dermot hung around for his shift to start at midnight. As he was having a coffee around 12.45 am, Beth popped down to his office to thank him for all the help he had given her over the past months.
On the other side of the coin, Beth also had been aware of the feelings that had grown between them and though such feelings had remained unspoken, they nevertheless could be concealed as being present whenever they approached each other. Even in the group discussions, as Beth opened up and started to tell the group about some of her selected experiences and feelings, often Dermot found it hard not to go and place his arms around Beth and comfort her as he dearly wanted to.
That night around 11.30 pm after Beth's party celebrations had ended for the day and the residents had retired to their rooms, being on duty throughout the night, Dermot hung around for his shift to start at midnight. As he was having a coffee around 12.45 am, Beth popped down to his office to thank him for all the help he had given her over the past months.
"I knew that you wouldn't be around tomorrow at 10 am when I leave and I wanted to thank you," Beth started to say. As soon as she started to speak and the couple looked at each other, they each knew what would happen next. Without saying a word, Dermot gently drew Beth towards him, kissed her gently and softly said, "I love you lass...........I think I always have."
Returning his kiss with a warm smile, Beth replied, "And I love you, Dermot Malone............only it probably took me longer to get to trust you than it did the other way round! Now that we've got that out of the way, what are we going to do about it?"
For the next hour and a half the couple talked and started to plan for a future together. Dermot realised that he would have to leave his job at the hostel at the first proper opportunity. He said to Beth, "It can sometimes takes months to get a suitable replacement and the hostel committee were so good giving me the job as Warden in the first instant, despite the risk they took with my past. I've no intention of seeing them in the lurch by leaving the post before they have another suitable candidate established. I reckon it will take a minimum of three months before we can be together, Beth and might even stretch to four or five. I hope you understand."
"Of course I do, Dermot" Beth replied adding, "I wouldn't have expected any less of you..............that's why I'm helplessly in love with you, sweetheart."
By the end of their discussion, plans had been made and the couple knew what they were doing.
Returning his kiss with a warm smile, Beth replied, "And I love you, Dermot Malone............only it probably took me longer to get to trust you than it did the other way round! Now that we've got that out of the way, what are we going to do about it?"
For the next hour and a half the couple talked and started to plan for a future together. Dermot realised that he would have to leave his job at the hostel at the first proper opportunity. He said to Beth, "It can sometimes takes months to get a suitable replacement and the hostel committee were so good giving me the job as Warden in the first instant, despite the risk they took with my past. I've no intention of seeing them in the lurch by leaving the post before they have another suitable candidate established. I reckon it will take a minimum of three months before we can be together, Beth and might even stretch to four or five. I hope you understand."
"Of course I do, Dermot" Beth replied adding, "I wouldn't have expected any less of you..............that's why I'm helplessly in love with you, sweetheart."
By the end of their discussion, plans had been made and the couple knew what they were doing.
