Bereavement
Bereavement will come to all of us within our lifetimes, and when it hits us, it can send our spirits spiraling low and place our emotions in a state of confusion. The bereavement process that will need to be successfully negotiated will include the stages of 'Denial, Anger, Blame' and eventually 'Acceptance.' The emotions that will come to the forefront during the bereavement process will invariably include the three major ones of 'Anger, Fear and Love.'
Such emotions will be directed towards oneself and also towards the deceased. You may be angry with them for mundane things as well as big things; for having died and left you without enough money to pay for the funeral or for not giving up the habit of smoking tobacco despite their prior health warnings etc. You will naturally be fearful regarding the many uncomfortable things their absence may produce. For instance, he may have insisted that you never worked outside the home and now it's late in life for you to become the wage earner etc. Or you may be the male of the partnership, who has never done too much house keeping and child minding, or a widower who resents having to become a full-time house parent.
If you and your bereaved partner were of the same sex, you will find your sense of grief and loss just as great to experienced as any heterosexual couple. Heterosexual or homosexual, you may even start to question whether they or you accorded the other, sufficient love and respect generally. Until you learn to love yourself again, the bereavement process will not have been healthily negotiated by you. If the degree of uncertainty and sense of loss is greatly out of proportion to what it should be, it is not unusual to momentarily entertain thoughts of suicide.
If you and your bereaved partner were of the same sex, you will find your sense of grief and loss just as great to experienced as any heterosexual couple. Heterosexual or homosexual, you may even start to question whether they or you accorded the other, sufficient love and respect generally. Until you learn to love yourself again, the bereavement process will not have been healthily negotiated by you. If the degree of uncertainty and sense of loss is greatly out of proportion to what it should be, it is not unusual to momentarily entertain thoughts of suicide.
In your period of bereavement, which can vary for each person, but which is usually negotiated between the first and second year after the death, it is advisable to allow yourself to cry, to talk about your feelings of loss and to share your sorrow and feelings of doubt and uncertainty, along with positive plans for the future with friends and family wherever possible. Trying to cope on your own with the bereavement process is merely an invitation to delay its successful negotiation. It is not unusual during the early stages of the bereavement process to see a mental image of the loved one you have lost or to imagine their presence; even smell or touch it!
You may have loved your partner so much that you actually fear life without them. Remember the two tall oak trees that lived side-by-side for hundreds of years. They grew so tall and so magnificent, that in time their branches extended, enabling them to hold hands in the sky above. Then one day an earthquake visited the place where the two tall oaks grew and felled one to the ground.
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The remaining oak had been left battered and badly bruised and was so sad that its mate no longer stood beside it. At first, while in a state of partial denial, there were times when it forgot that it no longer had a mate and now stood alone. In time, the remaining oak became stronger because of its sad experience of its partner's death. It took advantage of the additional ground space and nutrients that it now had access to and in the years that followed, it grew even more magnificent. It spread its branches ever wider and touched places that it never previously knew existed.
You never forget your loved one when your partner is the first to occupy the other side of the green sod. If you believe in God and life thereafter, you will find solace in the belief that one day, you shall both be reunited in another life and another place beyond the grave.
If it is a parent or child that died, you will find that the precise nature of your role will never be quite the same again.
Copyright William Forde August, 2012.
If it is a parent or child that died, you will find that the precise nature of your role will never be quite the same again.
Copyright William Forde August, 2012.
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