Chapter Three: ‘Day One’
Over the years that followed my admission into hospital, little could I have realised how my brief acquaintance with Alan would influence the remainder of my life; how knowing him would touch my future and affect my destiny. Whereas his very first words spoken to me had brought unease, what he left behind after his death ensured that I’d never forget him.
No sooner than Alan’s visitors had left his bedside, his look immediately changed. A sadness now occupied the face which had previously held a forced smile and a mouth which had made happy talk.
Alan had started giving off signs that he was now more amenable to talk and I felt embolden enough to return to the subject of the recent shock news he’d received from his cancer consultant a few hours earlier. I moved across to his bedside and sat on the chair his lady visitor had recently occupied. The seat was still warm. I asked, “How did your wife take the news?” before adding, “badly, I suspect!”
Alan’s answer was delivered in a nonchalant manner and caught me off guard. He said, “She doesn’t know yet. I haven’t had the chance to tell her since finding out. I couldn’t phone her with it. She’s on her way into the hospital now and should be here sometime within the next half hour.”
I quickly apologised, telling him that I’d presumed the other lady visitor to have been his wife. I don’t know why I said that, as it wasn’t entirely truthful. I’d strongly sensed at the time that the woman visitor wasn’t his wife!
No sooner than Alan’s visitors had left his bedside, his look immediately changed. A sadness now occupied the face which had previously held a forced smile and a mouth which had made happy talk.
Alan had started giving off signs that he was now more amenable to talk and I felt embolden enough to return to the subject of the recent shock news he’d received from his cancer consultant a few hours earlier. I moved across to his bedside and sat on the chair his lady visitor had recently occupied. The seat was still warm. I asked, “How did your wife take the news?” before adding, “badly, I suspect!”
Alan’s answer was delivered in a nonchalant manner and caught me off guard. He said, “She doesn’t know yet. I haven’t had the chance to tell her since finding out. I couldn’t phone her with it. She’s on her way into the hospital now and should be here sometime within the next half hour.”
I quickly apologised, telling him that I’d presumed the other lady visitor to have been his wife. I don’t know why I said that, as it wasn’t entirely truthful. I’d strongly sensed at the time that the woman visitor wasn’t his wife!
I’ll never forget that involuntary look which immediately crossed his face. It was as though the innocuous comment of a stranger had suddenly unearthed a long-buried secret which had lain undiscovered for many years.
Realising that he couldn’t escape further suspicion without some disclosure, Alan replied by way of explanation, “Oh, that was Margaret. She’s my personal assistant, the firm’s most treasured employee. Without her, there’d be no firm! She’s been with us for fourteen years now, and if it wasn’t for her knowledge of what makes the firm tick over, the place wouldn’t be able to run as efficiently as it does.”
I could tell by the affectionate manner he spoke about Margaret that she held a more special role in Alan’s life than that of personal secretary. After a brief pause Alan continued.
“Margaret possesses this disarming way of being able to persuade anyone to her way of thinking. She’s the only one who has ever been able to get the drivers to work over when they don’t want to, or to vary their journeys half way through their day because of some other emergency that’s cropped up. Added to all this European red tape we now must go through daily, just to earn an honest living, we just couldn’t manage without her. Had she not been there to keep us ship shape, I’d have had to shut up shop years ago!"
Realising that he couldn’t escape further suspicion without some disclosure, Alan replied by way of explanation, “Oh, that was Margaret. She’s my personal assistant, the firm’s most treasured employee. Without her, there’d be no firm! She’s been with us for fourteen years now, and if it wasn’t for her knowledge of what makes the firm tick over, the place wouldn’t be able to run as efficiently as it does.”
I could tell by the affectionate manner he spoke about Margaret that she held a more special role in Alan’s life than that of personal secretary. After a brief pause Alan continued.
“Margaret possesses this disarming way of being able to persuade anyone to her way of thinking. She’s the only one who has ever been able to get the drivers to work over when they don’t want to, or to vary their journeys half way through their day because of some other emergency that’s cropped up. Added to all this European red tape we now must go through daily, just to earn an honest living, we just couldn’t manage without her. Had she not been there to keep us ship shape, I’d have had to shut up shop years ago!"
~~~~~
Over the next twenty minutes, Alan told me that he was the Managing Director and owner of a haulage firm in Keighley called ‘Hawthorn’s Haulage’. The total staff on the payroll included three drivers, a mechanic and one mate, a part-time cleaner, his personal assistant, and himself.
Alan indicated that although he’d started working life being interested in pursuing the career of a civil engineer, he eventually decided to become his own boss. A parental inheritance spurred him on to put all his savings and capital into the purchase of a small haulage and transport firm in Keighley. This inheritance, plus a bank loan he secured, provided him with the means to start up in his own business.
Alan indicated that although he’d started working life being interested in pursuing the career of a civil engineer, he eventually decided to become his own boss. A parental inheritance spurred him on to put all his savings and capital into the purchase of a small haulage and transport firm in Keighley. This inheritance, plus a bank loan he secured, provided him with the means to start up in his own business.
For the first few years, business was steady and showed all the signs of improvement as the firm’s reputation for reliability gradually grew. Before long, the firm started to attract a larger customer base. As business picked up, Alan, bought two more lorries and employed another two long-distance drivers, making three in total.
Everything seemed to go well for the first five years of operation. Alan pointed out that like many businesses across the country, after the economic downturn, many changes needed to be made to keep operating and maintain their head above water. There had been a few regrettable occasions when, for instance, he’d had to temporarily lay off two of his drivers. He found this task particularly hard, especially as one of the drivers had just become a father for the second occasion and the other was already two months behind with his mortgage arrears.
Everything seemed to go well for the first five years of operation. Alan pointed out that like many businesses across the country, after the economic downturn, many changes needed to be made to keep operating and maintain their head above water. There had been a few regrettable occasions when, for instance, he’d had to temporarily lay off two of his drivers. He found this task particularly hard, especially as one of the drivers had just become a father for the second occasion and the other was already two months behind with his mortgage arrears.
As we continued to talk, Alan’s revelations veered towards more personal matters, which I would have considered to have been ‘out of bounds’ between strangers. Alan revealed that he and his wife, Amanda, had no children, despite them both always having wanted offspring of their own. He indicated that when they initially received the news they would remain childless, this proved too much for his wife to cope with. With the passing of each day, his wife became depressed and started to become more dependent upon alcohol as a crutch.
While Alan’s response was to bury himself in his work, he said that his wife found it impossible to redirect her daily preoccupation towards anything that wasn’t found within a container of pills or a bottle of gin. As time went on, Alan told me that their marital relationship gradually declined, all physical contact ceased between the couple and even daily conversation grew less and less. Often, they would go days on end with little more than a dozen words passing between them; few of them that didn’t carry reproach.
While Alan’s response was to bury himself in his work, he said that his wife found it impossible to redirect her daily preoccupation towards anything that wasn’t found within a container of pills or a bottle of gin. As time went on, Alan told me that their marital relationship gradually declined, all physical contact ceased between the couple and even daily conversation grew less and less. Often, they would go days on end with little more than a dozen words passing between them; few of them that didn’t carry reproach.
Alan told me that his wife had initially tried to do some office work in the haulage firm before Margaret, his personal assistant was set on, but added that it eventually became too much for Amanda to handle.
Being constantly depressed and unable to shake off the depression seemed to lock her into a permanently despondent personality; gradually taking over her daily moods and regularly producing irrational behaviour and angry outbursts.
Often Alan said that he’d return home to find that his wife had tried to make the evening meal, but would have invariably drunk a full bottle of wine while doing so; having forgotten the contents she’d put in the oven two hours earlier!
I understood how being denied parenthood could adversely affect the quality of one’s marriage, but to tell the truth, I had little knowledge of the adverse effects that depression can produce.
I also found the experience of someone being prepared to speak so openly to a stranger about such personal matters most unusual to take in, yet, speak freely Alan did; only stopping when his wife arrived.
Being constantly depressed and unable to shake off the depression seemed to lock her into a permanently despondent personality; gradually taking over her daily moods and regularly producing irrational behaviour and angry outbursts.
Often Alan said that he’d return home to find that his wife had tried to make the evening meal, but would have invariably drunk a full bottle of wine while doing so; having forgotten the contents she’d put in the oven two hours earlier!
I understood how being denied parenthood could adversely affect the quality of one’s marriage, but to tell the truth, I had little knowledge of the adverse effects that depression can produce.
I also found the experience of someone being prepared to speak so openly to a stranger about such personal matters most unusual to take in, yet, speak freely Alan did; only stopping when his wife arrived.
Seeing her approach, I nodded politely as I left her husband’s bedside. Alan told her the consultant’s news he’d received that afternoon and his wife became tearful and moved towards the window and just stared out. Very few words were spoken between them and for most of his wife’s short visit, she cried.
Alan later told me that she’d already suspected the worst, but feared having the medical diagnosis confirmed. Alan said that each time he wanted to include the word ‘cancer’ in a description of his medical condition, his wife, who had an aversion to the word, cut him off.
“She finds it hard to face unpleasantries, Bill,” Alan told me. "She’s always been like that. She finds it easier to pretend! It’s her way of avoiding the short time I’ve got left because she doesn’t want to believe it.”
Alan told me that his wife, Amanda, had a terrible dread of being left alone and said that very early on in their marriage, she didn’t even want him to leave her on a morning to go to work and always objected to him working late. These were the earlier years when he was trying to get the business firmly established and he needed her to understand that they’d both have to make some sacrifices if they wanted financial security. Alan was worried about Amanda’s ability to cope alone without his support after he’d died.
Alan later told me that she’d already suspected the worst, but feared having the medical diagnosis confirmed. Alan said that each time he wanted to include the word ‘cancer’ in a description of his medical condition, his wife, who had an aversion to the word, cut him off.
“She finds it hard to face unpleasantries, Bill,” Alan told me. "She’s always been like that. She finds it easier to pretend! It’s her way of avoiding the short time I’ve got left because she doesn’t want to believe it.”
Alan told me that his wife, Amanda, had a terrible dread of being left alone and said that very early on in their marriage, she didn’t even want him to leave her on a morning to go to work and always objected to him working late. These were the earlier years when he was trying to get the business firmly established and he needed her to understand that they’d both have to make some sacrifices if they wanted financial security. Alan was worried about Amanda’s ability to cope alone without his support after he’d died.
Amanda’s eyes remained tearful throughout her visit. Even the hug she gave Alan upon leaving his bedside was one that might be expected from a visiting neighbour instead of a wife. Indeed, I’d go as far as to say that her embrace occurred because it was expected of her and was probably found in her memories of happier years than any feelings for the present day.
As Amanda rose to leave, I glanced at Alan, and for a moment I saw a look of relief flash across his face. Very little of importance was said prior to Amanda’s departure apart from Alan giving her some instructions about how to turn on and off the emersion heater in the bathroom and control the central heating system.
Alan watched his wife walk away, before she looked back briefly to give him that pitiful look she had mastered over her years of emotional blackmail and depression. It was plain to see that she was at the end of her tether and had been hanging on in the knowledge that it would soon be over.
As Amanda rose to leave, I glanced at Alan, and for a moment I saw a look of relief flash across his face. Very little of importance was said prior to Amanda’s departure apart from Alan giving her some instructions about how to turn on and off the emersion heater in the bathroom and control the central heating system.
Alan watched his wife walk away, before she looked back briefly to give him that pitiful look she had mastered over her years of emotional blackmail and depression. It was plain to see that she was at the end of her tether and had been hanging on in the knowledge that it would soon be over.
Even now, as her husband’s death neared, I could easily imagine Amanda’s mind going into turmoil whenever she thought about all the arrangements she’d be obliged to make for his funeral service. Indeed, it wouldn’t have surprised me if she’d already decided that they’d be no burial in the ground for Alan, despite his wishes not to be cremated; no grave to maintain or reminder of any sad time in their marriage through its regular visits.
Even in my wildest imagination, I couldn’t have been aware of the thoughts inside Amanda’s head and how close to the mark my assessment of the widow’s response would be. No way could I have known that before she’d left the hospital that day, Amanda had already decided to scatter her husband’s ashes after his passing on Haworth Moor, a place he would visit whenever the weather was fine for walking and he wanted to get some time on his own!
~~~~~
The nights between 11.00 pm and 6.00 pm were essentially hours of the day when neither I nor Alan could sleep with the pain and discomfort of our bodies. I was the one with the greater mobility and during our long nights awake, I would sit in the easy chair by his bedside covered by a blanket and we would talk the night away over several brews of tea.
While Alan seemed to have resigned himself to the notion of dying soon, it was the brevity of life remaining that appeared to worry him the most. He was concerned that he’d left things too late to put some important matters in order. His earlier than expected death sentence had left him very little time to arrange all he wanted to do. There were still things that had been left unfinished, ‘i’s’ to dot and ‘t’s’ to cross; intentions that he feared would remain not acted on.
That night, Alan had a need to talk and talk, and initially we exchanged background experiences. I told Alan that when I first learned that my condition was terminal, I was relieved that I had no wife or children to inform and considered it a blessing in disguise.
After telling him about some of my experiences, Alan replied, “It’s at times like these, Bill, when I also realise it’s for the best that Amanda and I don’t have any children left to mourn me!”
While Alan seemed to have resigned himself to the notion of dying soon, it was the brevity of life remaining that appeared to worry him the most. He was concerned that he’d left things too late to put some important matters in order. His earlier than expected death sentence had left him very little time to arrange all he wanted to do. There were still things that had been left unfinished, ‘i’s’ to dot and ‘t’s’ to cross; intentions that he feared would remain not acted on.
That night, Alan had a need to talk and talk, and initially we exchanged background experiences. I told Alan that when I first learned that my condition was terminal, I was relieved that I had no wife or children to inform and considered it a blessing in disguise.
After telling him about some of my experiences, Alan replied, “It’s at times like these, Bill, when I also realise it’s for the best that Amanda and I don’t have any children left to mourn me!”
