Chapter Five
'The Portlaw Secret'
After Tony had won 'The Waterford Cup', they all went back to celebrate their victory in the 'Cotton Mill' that night and to collect the £50,000 he had won from Buggins.
Buggins never paid his wager to Tony, and to tell the truth, Tony wasn't too concerned. The mere fact that he had finally been the one to 'beat' Buggins seemed to be satisfaction enough. It turned out however, that it was the donkey that seemed to have the last laugh.
Upon entering Buggins' allotments, the ex-headmaster's corpse was found face down and it was clear to see that his head had been kicked in; having no doubt got on the wrong side of his wife's donkey when he wasn't expecting it. The donkey was braying loudly; as though it was laughing. To tell the truth, the people of Portlaw had never seen the poor ass look as happy in all the years they had known it.
Buggins never paid his wager to Tony, and to tell the truth, Tony wasn't too concerned. The mere fact that he had finally been the one to 'beat' Buggins seemed to be satisfaction enough. It turned out however, that it was the donkey that seemed to have the last laugh.
Upon entering Buggins' allotments, the ex-headmaster's corpse was found face down and it was clear to see that his head had been kicked in; having no doubt got on the wrong side of his wife's donkey when he wasn't expecting it. The donkey was braying loudly; as though it was laughing. To tell the truth, the people of Portlaw had never seen the poor ass look as happy in all the years they had known it.
Widow Buggins was a picture of decorum at her husband's funeral that no stranger outside Portlaw would ever have guessed that Buggins had treated her cruelly and parsimoniously throughout their years of marriage. In order to publicly promote the image of 'propriety', the widow spared no expense upon providing her lately deceased husband with as good a send off as Portlaw had seen in many a year. The majority of Portlaw citizens hadn't particularly liked Buggins and felt that his widow was being too lavish in her expenditure outlay for his funeral service. If the truth be known, they would have considered it fitting enough to have had Buggins buried in his own allotment patch. Even those Portlaw residents who were kinder to the memory of Buggins would not have given him such a grand send-off as he had received. Instead of the two magnificent white horses in purple plumes that the widow had hired to pull the carriage hearse to the church, they would have used her donkey to pull the coffin instead! The whole of Portlaw was pleased to see Buggins' swish buried alongside him; most of them having felt its presence in their lives on more than one occasion during their school days!
Indeed, the contrast in image presented by Widow Buggins between the day of her husband's funeral and the Irish Wake she had provided at 'The Cotton Mill' pub four nights earlier, couldn't have been greater. Whereas the imbibing of half a dozen gin and tonics had doubtlessly gone some way towards placing less restriction on the widow's tongue and overall demeanour than usual, before the evening was half way through and the company was well on their way to the loss of their sobriety, the widow was joining in the singing and even danced a jig with Farmer Ned Morrisy.
Many a Portlaw citizen who was present at the wake remarked that the widow had strangely seemed as happy as her donkey at the passing of Buggins. In fact, due to the ex-headmaster's unpopularity with the people of Portlaw, whilst a merry time was had at his wake, nobody would say whether it was in celebration of his life on earth or his sudden departure from it!
Many a Portlaw citizen who was present at the wake remarked that the widow had strangely seemed as happy as her donkey at the passing of Buggins. In fact, due to the ex-headmaster's unpopularity with the people of Portlaw, whilst a merry time was had at his wake, nobody would say whether it was in celebration of his life on earth or his sudden departure from it!
All Portlaw came out to see off the Widow Buggins on the day of her departure. Beforehand, she had arranged for an animal sanctuary to take the donkey and to allow it to pasture in green fields and contentment until the day it died naturally.
Widow Buggins observed the traditional formality of black dress, but was determined to leave Portlaw in style. She had the best hair stylist and dress maker in Waterford make her look as regal as they could by putting her hair in a royal bun, clothing her in a dress of the finest satin and providing her with the aristocratic prop of a silver-topped cane.
Her husband had always made her scrimp and scrape throughout their unhappy marriage, and now that he was no longer here to say how their money was spent, she intended to see out the rest of her days in the unbridled comfort that the £200,000 in his bank account along with the sale of the house which she inherited, would provide.
She hired herself a chauffeured limousine and was dressed in the fine clothes of a Dowager Countess as she waved Portlaw farewell before setting off for life in County Kerry.
Widow Buggins observed the traditional formality of black dress, but was determined to leave Portlaw in style. She had the best hair stylist and dress maker in Waterford make her look as regal as they could by putting her hair in a royal bun, clothing her in a dress of the finest satin and providing her with the aristocratic prop of a silver-topped cane.
Her husband had always made her scrimp and scrape throughout their unhappy marriage, and now that he was no longer here to say how their money was spent, she intended to see out the rest of her days in the unbridled comfort that the £200,000 in his bank account along with the sale of the house which she inherited, would provide.
She hired herself a chauffeured limousine and was dressed in the fine clothes of a Dowager Countess as she waved Portlaw farewell before setting off for life in County Kerry.
Our Portlaw tale ends where every Portlaw story always ends; in the heart of Ireland itself, or to be more precise, on a quiet piece of beach that Mary and Tony visited regularly at Inch, before their first child was born. As the couple kissed, cuddled, talked and walked on the beach, Tony's wife asked him to tell her the 'family secret' that he had sometimes referred to but had never elaborated on.
Mary said, "You never did tell me, my Boyo, what it was that Uncle Will told you all those years ago in San Francisco; you know....the secret which led to your sudden change in attitude towards your life!"
"You mean the family secret. I suppose I can tell you now that we are wed, Mary, but I swore on oath never to tell any of my seventeen siblings and I would naturally expect you also to honour that oath," Tony said.
"You mean the family secret. I suppose I can tell you now that we are wed, Mary, but I swore on oath never to tell any of my seventeen siblings and I would naturally expect you also to honour that oath," Tony said.
After Mary acknowledged that she would help maintain her husband's sworn oath, he told her.
"The secret is one that my mother told to her brother, Uncle Will. Even my father is unaware of it, as my mother never told him," Tony told Mary. "So you must never let the cat out of the bag!"
"The bottom line is that all those years when I feared that I had been an unplanned and unwanted child, I never knew that the opposite was nearer the truth."
"What do you mean?" asked Mary.
"When asked if I had been unplanned and unwanted, my mother swore to Uncle Will that I had been planned and was the most wanted baby any mother had ever given birth to."
"So.......what's the big secret then?" Mary asked Tony in a puzzled voice.
"My mother told Uncle Will that I was planned and dearly wanted.............and.......then said that it was the other seventeen children who weren't!"
"The secret is one that my mother told to her brother, Uncle Will. Even my father is unaware of it, as my mother never told him," Tony told Mary. "So you must never let the cat out of the bag!"
"The bottom line is that all those years when I feared that I had been an unplanned and unwanted child, I never knew that the opposite was nearer the truth."
"What do you mean?" asked Mary.
"When asked if I had been unplanned and unwanted, my mother swore to Uncle Will that I had been planned and was the most wanted baby any mother had ever given birth to."
"So.......what's the big secret then?" Mary asked Tony in a puzzled voice.
"My mother told Uncle Will that I was planned and dearly wanted.............and.......then said that it was the other seventeen children who weren't!"
Tony and Mary Walsh had a long and happy life together. They were to have nine healthy and happy children; every one of them planned for and dearly wanted and, each one of them possessing the ability to play a musical instrument.
For many years, Tony toyed with what best to do with the genetically modified patent that he now owned for the growth of the monster potatoes. He eventually decided that it was too dangerous to the health of wildlife and humans to grow GM seed until science had unearthed much more about the potentially negative consequences of this Frankenstein birth. When he and his wife Mary died in their ninety ninth year of life, the patent died with them. Tony Walsh's experiences in America had taught him that whereas the USA may embrace largeness there and tend to do things in a bigger way, it doesn't always follow that 'bigger is better'. Of one thing however, Tony was sure. He knew that in one area, Ireland could always beat the Yanks hands down. He knew that when it comes to storytelling, the Irish tells them 'bigger and better' than anyone else. They always have and always will! |
The End
© William Forde, July 2012
© William Forde, July 2012
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