"What a woman Ursala is. She is a moujik, which is an old Russian meaning of a hard working peasant. Every morning she gets up at 4.30 am and polishes her husband's working shoes. Then she does three hours ironing for other villagers to earn a bit extra for the family upkeep before she prepares her husband's cooked breakfast.
She doesn't have time to eat at the table with him as she has to wash a couple of loads of clothes in the nearby stream and hang them out to dry before she begins five hours work in her part-time job as a lavatory cleaner in the town hall between the hours of 9.30am and 2.30pm.
Ursala arrives back home around 4pm after walking the six mile-trek from work as there is no bus transport after 1.30pm. When she gets home she makes herself a cup of tea which is often the only nourishment that she's had since she left home, but often fails to drink it as there will be people calling to her house to collect their laundry. One and a half hours is then spent by her tidying up a piece of scrubland that her mother left her and upon which she one day hopes to grow some of her husband's favourite tomatoes.
Then, following a quick body wash from a barrel of cold water in their back yard, Ulsala changes into some more presentable female clothes so that she can look attractive for her poor husband who has been grafting for seven hours as a platform ticket-collecter at the local railway station. She always likes to wear a fetching garment he will find pleasing to his eye.
While Ulsala eats her evening meal with her beloved husband, she never lifts her fork before him and will await his sign upon his first taste of the food that it is good enough to eat. When the food test has been passed, Ulsala divides the dinner spoils accordingly: she will suck the fat as he chews the lean. Then when they retire for the day around 10pm, they always make mad passionate love before going to sleep so happy with each other and content with their day and way of life. Dream on, boys!
Now, come on and be honest, ladies. How many of you women out there managed to read half this spoof post of mine before your hackles started to rise? " William Forde: April 14th, 2014.